... and now it's time for ASK UNCLE RUBEN

He's got a bone to pick with everyone and he's answering your questions here on Bloggystyle.


Lexie writes to us:

What is the appropriate tip (if any) to leave for housekeeping when staying at a hotel? I've asked many different people this question and have received varying
answers.

Lexie from Chi-Town

Uncle Ruben has this to say:

I haven't the slightest clue, lady. To tell the truth, I really don't care to know, either. I don't know how it happened. I don't know when it happened. I don't know where it happened. For whatever reason, though, this country has gone TIP CRAZY, and I think it's kinda fucked up, if you ask me...and you did ask me...so, sit down and prepare for the earfull (or eyefull). There has been a hazy line drawn in the gratuity sand of this desert we call the American Economy, resulting in added confusion, bewilderment and awkwardness for regular consumer dorks like you and me who are just trying to enjoy some roomservice, a decent pool and a teenie tiny intermission from this horror flick we call "Life". We don't know who to tip anymore. We don't know how much to tip anymore. And it makes me wonder when the hell we became such a TIP NATION. It used to be easy. We knew who to tip. It was instinctual. Barbers, cabbies, bartenders, manicurists, shoe shine boys, waitresses named Betty and Shug, strippers. You know, the usual folk.
Now, were tipping the guy who sells you peanuts at the baseball game, the lady who sells you a $5 coffee at the local corner corporate coffee house, and people who make our beds at hotels.
Just getting to the room on the first day is a financially draining adventure. You tip the cabbie for getting you there. You tip the doorman who opens your door and gets your bag from the trunk. You tip the bellboy who takes the bags to your room. Want a quick bite to eat before you leave the hotel? You're tipping the guy who brings you a sandwich...and the real shity part about the room service experience is they automatically assign the gratuity to your bill, its printed clear as day "18% GRATUITY", but immediately below it is a blank slot labeled "GRATUITY". This is where the awkwardness really rears its head. The guy is looking at you. You're looking at the blank gratuity slot. He's holding the pen. You don't want to look like an ass. You don't want to feel like as ass. The door closes and you just dropped more money on the gratuity than you did on your sandwich...and you still feel like an ass. It gets so bad that I start tipping regular people for anything they might do for me. Press my elevator floor number, here's a buck. Politely hold the door for me, here's a buck. Pick up the knife I drop at dinner, here's my life savings. Just take it! WHEN DOES IT END? I guess the workers of this country just lost their balls and couldn't muster the courage to ask their bosses for a raise, and to offset their chicken shit fear, they decided to guilt you and me into picking up the slack. Like that bum that sits outside bank ATMs with a battered paper cup and a tragic story, they have made us feel bad enough to where we feel it's our moral obligation to help them.

BULLSHIT, MAN!

It's not my fault you pierced your face 7 times and had to become a barrissta. Take your cup and fill it with coffee for someone who cares. It ain't me. Hey, peanut man. It’s obvious to me why you took this job. You wanted to watch the Cubs for free. I get to see them once and I had to pay an arm and a leg for the tickets. So don’t expect me to hand over any more appendages just because you handed me salted nuts.

And finally, it's not my fault you had to pay someone $3,000 for a semi trailer ride across the Mexican-American border just to end up making beds in Vegas for minimum wage. There's a certain give and take in the illegal immigration game. I think you should be allowed to stay in this country and do the jobs no one else wants to do, but don't expect supplemental income from me. If you don't like it, there's Mexico. You don't have to sneak across the border to get back. (I would like to say this argument could also be applied to the Polish, Russian, and numerous Asian illegals in similar situations, but to avoid controversy, I speak only of my own.)

Let’s face it, there are a lot of people we should tip that are way more deserving. We should be taping dollars to all the windows of high rise skyscrapers because I’m sure those guys don’t get paid enough. Think about your garbage man for Christ’s sake. I mean if we don’t go out of our way to tip garbage men, what business do we have tipping anyone who ”claims” they don’t get
paid enough to do what they do.

Here’s my advice. Don’t tip housekeeping. Come on! We can do it. You and me. Let’s start a goddamn revolution. Let’s take this country back. DOWN with the tip nation.

And while we’re at it, let’s take down the “Thank You” and “Christmas” card givers. How much money do we waste each year in stamps! Next, we’ll take down those who feel you have to give goodie bags out after you just dropped $500 on a goddamn 1st birthday party. It’s just a bag of worthless shit, anyway!

REVOLUTION NOW! REVOLUTION FOREVER!

Meet me at the corner of Michigan and Ohio. I’ll bring the guns and machetes.