... and now it's time for ASK UNCLE RUBEN

He's got a bone to pick with everyone and he's answering your questions here on Bloggystyle.

Anonymous from Rogers Park asks:

Dear Uncle Ruben,
I'm a 22 year old virgin who is seriuosly considering having sex for the first time with my boyfriend of 2 months. I love him and want to show him how much by making him my 1st. There is just one thing.... I've got herpes. How should I break the news to him?

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOUR MOUTH!?!? Good lord, man!

When I was a kid, the most specialist days were the ones when the prize would fall out of the cereal box and into the bowl. BONUS! I believe your man might have had a similar reaction to your virginity falling into his cereal, but herpes? HERPES?! And you are a virgin?!? No matter how good the cereal looks, no one’s eating today, girl. The milk’s gone foul.

I can appreciate your desire to keep your vagina pure and pristine, but you should have applied a little of that thought process to your mouth…and to your tongue…and to your throat…and to your tonsils.

I would love to feel sorry for you, but my mind begins to fill with image after image of you in dank gritty elevators on your knees, or in the back seat of cigarette littered cars slumped over the lap of dirty dick losers as your mouth becomes a catcher’s mitt for tainted joy juice…and if I’m thinking that, imagine what your man will think when he hears the truth.

Let me put it to you this way. If you were a movie, you’d be The Godfather III. The mere thought makes the mouth water. Expectations begin to push the limits of the imagination. This will be mind blowing, breath taking, earth shattering, but in the end, BOOM…an implosion of everything that coulda woulda shoulda been. Total flop.

I hear there’s pills you can take, but I wouldn’t know. Even when I was sinning, I was doing it the right way. Take heart, though. In the commercials for those pills, the people seem to be doing all right. They hike and ride bikes. I guess you can do a lot of that outdoorsy type stuff when you can’t do most bedroomsy type stuff.

Just go down on him, I guess. You should be good at it. You’ve had the
practice.